Wednesday, January 26, 2011

How To Free A Chained Dog and Win Good Karma

This is quite good, and the affectless voices actually amplify the volume of the discourse. I found it on F-Book.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Would "Kingdom Cum" Count as a Theological Neolo-Gism?

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its
yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings
for common words.
The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.),a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavoured mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul
flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men

The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. "Ignoranus": A stupid asshole--is my all-time favorite. Here are this year's winners:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from
penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent
for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get
6.. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are runninglate.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
9. Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right?
And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that
are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked
through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the
morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Doug Stanhope: "Nanna Needs A Ride"

DOTOF to pal and Santa Fe's premiere satirist, Jim Terr:

The Gourmand's Companion

This is an incomplete project which always comes to mind when someone remarks, as if to scorn the quotidian, that they are going to have "BREAKFAST" for dinner. There is NEVER a bad time to have breakfast! And nothing is forbidden for consumption at breakfast, either.
The Gourmand's companion:
1) It is NEVER too late, or too early, to have breakfast.
1a) You may have anything for breakfast your heart desires.
2) You can NEVER have too much for brunch, cuz it's the only meal of the day.
3) Have dessert first: You NEVER know.
4) Chocolate --especially dark-- goes with EVERYTHING.
5) When in doubt, use the second-largest utensil in any set at table.
6) If you start on wine, and want something stronger, later, go with brandy (You'll thank me in the morning.)
7) There is no "bad" way to prepare potatoes.
8) If you MUST choose, buy GOOD beer and cheap whiskey.
9) There is NO "wrong time" to get high.
Feel free to add more as you can think of 'em...

Sunday, January 2, 2011

"If Baudrillard Could See Us Now!"

Performed--a bit inartfully--by a bunch of Canadian grad students.

I am sympathetic, because their efforts mirror my own at trying to master the rhetoric and vocabulary of statistics, which I only achieved by writing doggerel.
How 'bout them number-summers, ain't they hams,
Plottin' they freq'ncies on they histograms?
Them n-countin' number-summers got they preculiar pleasures,
Wi' they aspects o' dispersion, an' they deviatin' measures.
Them nomologic number-summers, ain't they hot,
Gettin' all they data in a box-'n'-whisker plot?

How 'bout them number-summers, ain't they strange?
Put they mode, mean an' median in they inter-quart'le range.
They got measures o' dispersion, an' deviation measures,
Deviatin' standards an' other kinds o' treasures.
Them parametric number-summers, ain't they enigmas?
Puttin' they parentheses all around they sigmas.