A Masterpiece of Clay Bennett Understatement
10 hours ago
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.),a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavoured mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul
flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men
1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from
penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent
for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get
6.. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are runninglate.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
9. Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right?
And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that
are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked
through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the
morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole
The Gourmand's companion:Feel free to add more as you can think of 'em...
1) It is NEVER too late, or too early, to have breakfast.
1a) You may have anything for breakfast your heart desires.
2) You can NEVER have too much for brunch, cuz it's the only meal of the day.
3) Have dessert first: You NEVER know.
4) Chocolate --especially dark-- goes with EVERYTHING.
5) When in doubt, use the second-largest utensil in any set at table.
6) If you start on wine, and want something stronger, later, go with brandy (You'll thank me in the morning.)
7) There is no "bad" way to prepare potatoes.
8) If you MUST choose, buy GOOD beer and cheap whiskey.
9) There is NO "wrong time" to get high.
How 'bout them number-summers, ain't they hams,
Plottin' they freq'ncies on they histograms?
Them n-countin' number-summers got they preculiar pleasures,
Wi' they aspects o' dispersion, an' they deviatin' measures.
Them nomologic number-summers, ain't they hot,
Gettin' all they data in a box-'n'-whisker plot?
How 'bout them number-summers, ain't they strange?
Put they mode, mean an' median in they inter-quart'le range.
They got measures o' dispersion, an' deviation measures,
Deviatin' standards an' other kinds o' treasures.
Them parametric number-summers, ain't they enigmas?
Puttin' they parentheses all around they sigmas.