Saturday, January 30, 2010

Vaginal Cosmetic Engineering: Six Things I'd Never Thought Of That Some Women Do

((The challenge here for a blogger is providing suitable illustrative materials)
Ugly, Stinky, Saggy, Dirty, Loose, Yucky, and Bland.

Are these the six, new "Dwarves" for today's worried woman?

The exploiters of anxiety and the purveyors of the promises of perfection have found a new "arena" onto which to project their toxic nostrums: the vagina. Is it possible that your's tastes funky? Do platoons of cats follow you from room to room eyeing your crotch speculatvely to see if it flops? (I am TRYING to keep this clean!)

These are but two of the 'aesthetic' hazards today's fashionable woman must confront. A writer at AlterNet ahs catalogued these and 4 more under the heading "The 6 Weirdest Things Women Do to Their Vaginas. Via :

What the hell is vaginal rejuvenation? Who would want their vagina bleached? Here's a list of the strangest ways to make your genitals meet the demands of the beauty industry.

What's wrong with your vagina? If you answered "nothing," you're probably wrong. According to the beauty-industrial complex, it's ugly, and it smells bad. But don't worry-- there's nothing that money can't fix.
1. Problem: Your Vagina Smells Bad
Solution: Vaginal Deodorant
In the seventies, Massengill tried to marry feminism and its vaginal deodorant spray ("With Hexachlorophene") in an ad that declared the product to be "The Freedom Spray." It was "...the better way to be free to enjoy being a woman. Free from worry about external vaginal odor." Because you're going to need that time you used to spend worrying about your vaginal odor to flirt your way through the glass ceiling. Oh, and Hexachlorophene? It's a disinfectant that can be lethal when absorbed through the skin. In 1972, it was added to baby powder in France due to a manufacturing error and killed thirty-six children.

In case you think vaginal deodorant is a relic of the past, just take a trip to the drug store. (I did, and I took notes. The staff of my local Walgreens is convinced that I'm both very thorough and that my vagina smells really bad.) There are several kinds of vaginal deodorants still for sale (Walgreens even manufactures a generic version). You can buy scented vaginal suppositories called Norforms in Island Escape and Summer's Eve Deodorant Spray in Island Splash. (Norforms contain something called Benzethonium chloride, which is also used as a hard surface disinfectant for fruit and classified as a poison in Switzerland. Exotic!) And you can buy FDS (Feminine, Discreet, Sensual) Spray ("For the woman who cares.") in a myriad of scents including Sheer Tropics and Fresh Island Breeze.

Because if you really cared, you'd make your vagina smell like a poisonous island.
2. Problem: Your Vagina is Dirty
Solution: Douching
Douching, the act of forcing a mixture of fluids up into the vagina with a tube and pump, was first promoted as a form of birth control (it doesn't work) and has continued to be used for vaguely medical reasons: to prevent STIs (sexually transmitted infections), to clean the vagina after menstruation and, of course, to rid it of that disgusting vagina smell. Douching has been repeatedly discouraged by the medical community, which not only doesn't attribute any health benefits to the act, but believes that it can actually harm women. A government Web site run by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services discourages douching by answering a series of hypothetical questions, one of which is: "My vagina has a terrible odor, can douching help?" The answer: No. Get thee to a doctor.

Despite health concerns, manufacturers still churn out vaginal douches. Pick up a box of Summer's Eve Douche, and you'll find warnings that douching has been associated with PID (Pelvic Inflamatory Disease), ectopic pregnancy and infertility. Right next to the suggestion that women douche after their menstrual period, after using contraceptive jellies and creams and to "clear out any vaginal secretions." So basically, any time your vagina isn't as dry as a British sitcom.
3. Problem: Your Vagina is Too Loose
Solution: Vaginal Rejuvenation
Let's face it. Nature really screwed up when it made the vagina. Never mind that that it accommodates the birth of a child or that it's fundamentally better designed than male genitalia. (Who wants to carry their most sensitive reproductive organs on the outside?) While nature was busy dishing out things like multiple orgasms, it forgot to make vaginas vice-tight. Luckily, plastic surgeons have stepped in to put an end to womankind's collective suffering.

Laser Vaginal Rejuvenation is a trademarked phrase that refers to a practice developed and popularized by Dr. David Matlock, who's made several appearances on the E! channel's plastic surgery reality show, Dr.90210. Matlock and other doctors who carry out LVR claim that the $4,000 to $20,000 procedure makes women's vaginas tighter, thus increasing sexual pleasure.

But many doctors disagree. The American Urogynocology Society won't endorse it. And the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists cautioned in a 2007 statement that women seeking "designer vaginas" should be "informed about the lack of data supporting the efficacy of these procedures and their potential complications, including infection, altered sensation, dyspareunia, adhesions, and scarring." Sexy!
4. Problem: Your Vagina is Ugly
Solution: Labiaplasty
If your vagina is tight enough (and let's face it, it's probably not) you've still got to deal with the labia. And by "deal with," I mean remove. Labiaplasty drastically reduces the labia, the protruding lips that surround the opening of the vagina. Why would you want to do this? Because your labia are "unequal," "elongated," "large," "irregular," "floppy," and "unfeminine." These are just some of the unflattering adjectives bandied about on the Web sites of surgeons who offer this procedure. Luckily, with the use of lasers and scalpels, your vagina can be made "prettier," "better proportioned," "youthful," and achieve "the true Playboy aesthetic look." How much will it cost you to make your labia proportional and feminine? About $5,000 or more.
5. Problem: Your Vagina Tastes Bad
Solution: Vagina Mints

If your partner is reluctant to give you oral sex, it's not because of pervasive cultural belief that cunnilingus is complicated to the point of being impossible and that vaginas are inherently icky (thus the need to uncomplicate them and un-ickify them with, oh, say, labiaplasty) it's because your vagina tastes bad. Enter the Linger Internal Vaginal Flavoring, or Altoids for your vagina. Linger assumes you already feel bad about your nether regions, stating on its Web site that the mint-flavored pill "decreases self-consciousness" and tosses out the unattributed statistic that 72 percent of women feel self conscious about their taste and odor. Dubious marketing practices aside, the Linger mint isn't just a harmless, if asinine, oddity. Mother Jones magazine did some digging into the origins of Linger and discovered that the vagina mint is no different from a regular mint. In other words, it's made out of sugar. And putting sugar-based mint directly into your vagina is a recipe for a mint-flavored yeast infection.
6. Problem: Your Vagina is the Wrong Color
Solution: Vaginal Bleaching and Dying
Many women are under the impression that it's OK to have a vagina colored vagina. They're wrong, of course. They should be pink, and exceptionally so. What's a woman with a vagina colored vagina to do? Bleach it. Accomoclitic Laser and Wax Studio in Lakewood, Colorado, purveyors of an anal bleaching product called "Pink Wink," also sell something called Bleach Babe, a cream that promises to do away with the "natural discoloration surrounding the exterior of the vagina." Bleach Babe contains Kojic acid, the same ingredient that keeps salmon meat pink. South Beach Solutions sells a similar lightening product with Sodium hydroxide, which can also be found in drain decloggers and septic tank cleansers.

If bleaching fails to render your vagina the color of a Barbie Dream House, you can try My New Pink Button, billed as a "Genital Cosmetic Colorant that restores the "Pink" back to woman's genitals." Because vaginas that aren't vibrantly pink are old and sad. My New Pink Button is meant to be painted onto the vagina (it comes in powder form and must be scooped up with a moist Q-tip like device) and lasts 48 to 72 hours. After which, one supposes, users must reapply in order to maintain the youthful status of their genitals.
You see the challenge of presenting this "straight?"

"Irish Home Improvement"

DOTOF™ to my Santa Fe pal, Jim Terr...

Thursday, January 28, 2010

The Asylum Street Spankers: "The Scrotum Song"

On the theory that one really cannot have too much of a good thing (and probably NSFW, if you're anywhere near anywon of remotely delicate sensibilities):

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Bill Maher Expresses Rational Revulsion Against Robertson

I'm not always a great fan of Maher's, though sometimes he gets it right. This is one such case; but then any kind of revulsion expressed upon Pat Robertson, at any time, seems overdue to me. Unfortunately, the *"SCUM"* cannot just revile the religious for their absurdities. They must have a hook--which, luckily, the sanctimonious fux like Roberston are not shy to supply.

(DOTOF™ to "Brad Hoffman" on FB for the link. *"SCUM"* = "So Called Unbiased Media," i.e., the corpoRat press...)

Thursday, January 21, 2010

How Bad IS It?

The economy is so bad...

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

CEOs are now playing miniature golf.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4-ouncer.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh great!! The guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 trillion disappear!

And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan. When I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Real Family: How To Eat Healthily In Hard Times

If you have been paying attention, you'll recognize the narrator of this clip as Nikol, from the MidWest Teen Sex Show vids...

Forrest Hump: The Trailer

From the same crew that brought you the reat Midwest Teen Sex Show:

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Sunday, January 10, 2010

"The Biggest Dick In The World" Is Unemployed...

No, really:

At first glance, Jonah Falcon is just another statistic.

Unemployed and living with his mother, Falcon is but one of the 20% of working-age American men without a job. Yet Falcon has something no other man has: the record for the world's largest penis.

Yes, that's a fact.

Since being profiled in Rolling Stone and appearing in an HBO documentary about his 13.5 inch penis, the 39-year-old Brooklyn native has struggled to find a steady job and is now living at home with his mother.

Falcon had been working as a video game reviewer for a website as well as a small-time actor. But in a recent interview with Sphere, Falcon talks about how he his now "between jobs" due to the "rough economy."

And despite seemingly being tailor-made for the adult industry, Falcon says that he doesn't do porn because if he did, "Nobody would take me seriously. Nobody."


It seems that nobody is taking the world's biggest penis seriously, anyway, doesn't it. The guy's chubby and outta-shape, but when that bad-boy gets an interest, I reckon he could get paid for the show...

I have always wondered what guys with that sort of huge package do with it when they're not screwing. Now we know...

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Thursday, January 7, 2010

That To Which "Tea-bagging" Refers...

And, as repellent as it was, don't forget this is mere pantomime of 'the real thing.' It is this aggressive subjugation, this violent imposition, to which we refer--and of which we metaphorically accuse them-- when we disparage them as "tea-baggers."

Friday, January 1, 2010